Losing Them or Finding You?
Taylor was my first born. I was only 19 years old. I basically grew up raising kids. So as he just left, it felt strange. The question racked my brain, over and over again, what do I do now that I am losing him? What will it feel like? Will I feel the same? As he left, I thought "oh crap, every kid will leave soon!" This whole moment came crashing down on me. Plus I won't have anyone around. I am a single mom, so that means when they all leave.....well I will be alone! Basically a panic began to set in.....and boom! I started to cry. Fast forward a few months...and all the reflections of myself and life later....I am beginning to find more love for myself. My alone time. My goals as a mother. So I realized it was just the way I saw it. To train my mind to look at it as not a loss, but a gain of motherhood goals that we all sit and think are so far away while we rock them to bed or change their diaper. Something so far in the future we can't even fathom that it will become real so fast. My son has had his issues. I felt like I failed through my first son many times. Learned and learned. I felt grateful that he took this journey to become more independent. At the same time I was so nervous he would forget to call me, but then 2 weeks after he left, the phone rang. It's was taylor, he had just walked out of his first job interview. Who did he call? Me...his mom! I was so proud of him and we talked for about 45 mins. I know that he may be gone here in the house, but he and I will always have our amazing relationship.
So if you are wondering what it will feel like when the kids leave? It hurts, but a different type of hurt. Nothing like losing a friend, or parent. It's just different, like a mama hurt, but a happy hurt. If that makes sense. I have been able to find myself a bit more lately, and what makes me happy when they aren't around. My children are my happiness, but I have learned that they will all leave at some point, so finding happiness in what we do is so important as a mother. I have a great career, and 3 other great children who need me daily. It's just a great lesson to know that these 3 will move out too some day, so spend time loving them and being with them, but also to spend some time loving myself too without feeling guilty for it. Allow yourself to invent yourself as you raise them. I know being a single mom is a bit different advice on this blog post about parenthood and the children leaving the nest but I know it will speak to you who are married and not married. I hope one day I can find a relationship I can focus on as well as myself after the kids leave the nest, but until that time comes, I will cherish each memory and each moment I have with the rest of my babies at home.
Taylor is one special kid who is loves his body more than ever right now, but I also know he has a great heart, and he will find his way, and I will be right there with him, just not physically. Taylor if you ever read this know I love you, and thanks for calling me all the time. Don't ever stop. Your dreams will come true if you never stop living in the moment, and forgive faster than anyone else. You got this son! Here are some Taylor moments I kept on my snap that I want to share.
Good luck out there moms. We don't have a easy job, but so worth it! You're doing great don't ever forget that! Even when they are doing wrong. You're doing the best that you can.
Memories of Taylor and I: